Wankbeast

I’m not a bloke who pays a lot of attention to award ceremonies. So a few days after the Grammys I found out about Louis CKs award.

A day after finding out and the anger hasn’t subsided.

#FuckLouisCK
#FuckLouisCKAndThatFakeApology
#FuckTheGrammys
#FuckTheFucksWhoDefendedThatFuck

Marginalised – A Free eBook

In November 2021 I was, again, the Poet in Residence for IPDA. If you don’t know what that means that’s fine. All you need to know for now is I have to write a poem in about 4 hours on the things being discussed. And I have to do this each day for 3 days.

You probably think, “Oh, that sounds tough” and you’d be right. Mentally it wipes you out but you also feel like you’re seven years old on a bouncy castle.

This year the theme for the conference was Marginalised Voices in Contemporary Times. A theme which I’ve already written pages and pages of stuff on.

So I did my three poems and they were very well received and I got thinking… I’ve got all these other poems about Marginalised Voices I wonder… oh, I’ve got an idea… yeah let’s do that…

And that is how this free eBook came about. Yes, free. I’m giving it away. There are some details in the manuscript if you want to throw a few shekels in the virtual pot for me but don’t feel you have to. If you want to download the book; and why wouldn’t you? It’s free; then visit Smashwords or follow the link below.

New Video – With Added Music

It’s been a crazy few months. While not much appears to have been happening (beyond day job and loads of gigs) there has been activity in the background. It’s like the stage hands in Hamiliton. Those things don’t just appear from holes in the floor. People have to put them in the right place so they appear through the holes. That’s a long winded way of saying it’s like ducks paddling but I felt that was too cliched.

Anyway, I was contacted by a guy called Neil Simpson. This was a bit weird because I know someone called Neil Simpson and at first I thought it was him but it wasn’t. Another Neil Simpson entirely. This Neil Simpson is a bass player for the Climax Blues Band and Roy Wood which I think is pretty impressive. It turns out Neil (a real musician with genuine talent) had seen me at a gig, liked my Internet poem and decided to download it and put it to music. Right from that first take it was amazing but seeing as I’d upgraded my microphone I asked if he wanted me to rerecord the vocals. What followed were numerous rerecordings, emails and discussions until we get the video below. I love my Internet poem. I love performing it and it always gets a good reaction but to see what Neil did amazes me. It’s just lifted it to another dimension.

Anyway, here it is… Internet, I’ve Lost My Faith in You with added music from Neil Simpson.

Dave ‘QVC’ Pitt

If you are one of the 1,117 people who follow me on Twitter you might have noticed my Twitter name has changed. Dave “QVC” Pitt. Is this a sponsorship? Will I start flogging Diamonique jewellery? Well never say never but I doubt it. Even if it is the partnership we’ve all been waiting for. Imagine me on a high cable channel at 2.45am holding up a sparkly watch. Tell me that wouldn’t be must-watch television. 

A beautiful set of Diamonte earrings.

But no, miracles and a shockingly low level of alcohol aside I won’t be doing that. The QVC has appeared for an entirely different reason. 

There has been a spate of people recently putting the phrase “GB News Viewer” on their Twitter biogs. It’s easy to dismiss them as bots and some definitely are. Yet there are some who do behave like human beings. Albeit seemingly radicalised human beings who can’t wait to tell you their opinion on Muslims, Brexit or Cultural Marxism. But human beings all the same. I find it strange to ally yourself to a TV station. Especially one which is so new and unable to get through a single day without another hilarious cock up. I understand connecting yourself to a football team; particularly one you’ve followed since being knee height to Lionel Messi. I can even understand connecting yourself to a hobby or workplace but a television station? I can’t remember anything like this happening before. Or maybe Craig “History Channel” Perrival just never showed up in my timeline. 

This all came to a head over recent weeks with the Internet yet again demonstrating it can be a jar of honey with a lump of shit in it. It might not spoil all the honey but you’re not putting any of it in your hot toddy are you? So when I did a gig on Tuesday and performed my anti-Internet poem; on an online gig because I’m nothing if not a hypocrite; I prefaced it with a statement that “It’s not like I call myself Dave ‘QVC’ Pitt, is it?” As I performed the poem that other part of my brain who really needs to be kept locked in a suitcase on top of the wardrobe was going, “You really should call yourself Dave ‘QVC’ Pitt.” 

It won’t last long, probably until something else vexes my candle. Then I might change my name to something like Mr Sizzle or Um Bongo (remember Um Bongo? Of course you do, you’re singing the song from the advert now) Until then I’ll be Dave ‘QVC’ Pitt.  

Other televisual celebrations of capitalism are also available. 

14/48 Summer 2021

It’s been a week since the echoes of the 14/48 festival have dwindled so it’s time to do a bit of reflection. 14/48, for those that don’t know, is the creation of 14 plays in 48 hours. It’s immense fun and a massive challenge. Like jumping on your old Grifter bike and riding no handed down a pothole strewn hill of cobbles.

But the pandemic changed almost everything and 14/48 was in no way immune. This festival was across 2 cities with live audiences and everything web streamed. It shouldn’t be possible.

But we did it.

I was a director of two plays and I was lucky. The two scripts by Emma Penney and Emma White were both corkers. And the actors the 14/48 Gods granted me were perfect.

But this post rummages around day 2.

The script was angry, staunchly feminist and held up a mirror to the patriarchy. It showed toxic masculinity for the horror it is.

If this had fallen on my lap outside of 14/48 I’d have run to Fran Richards, Heather Wastie or even Emma White herself and said, “You should direct this.” That’s not how 14/48 works. The randomness forces you to get on your Grifter and ride. Like it or not I had to direct something which forced me to confront parts of my past I would sooner forget.

I was such a fucking coward growing up. No way was I strong enough to deal with all those bitter tastes in my mouth. In the script a nude photo of a girl gets shared and has horrific consequences. We didn’t have mobiles when I was a kid but I had to ask myself a question…

Would the 14 year old Dave Pitt have shared that picture on Whatsapp given half the chance?

Of course he would. He was a prick. And what would have made it worse is I’d have known it was wrong. I’d have known it was doing damage. But I’d have been too weak to not be the one who shared it. That makes me worse than the tossers who would have shared it and wouldn’t have thought about anyone else.

There is a male character in the script. I saw shades of grey in the boy. A weakness which was also about the toxic masulinity surrounding him. I didn’t want this to be an excuse for his behaviour. What he did was wrong and this didn’t justify it. Talking about it to my actors I could feel my hands shaking. I could taste the copper in my mouth.

As I said earlier, I was lucky. They understood and we worked through it.

Due to me getting the wrong phone number I hadn’t had chance to talk to Emma about the script. When she arrived at 11am we had already pushed through the script and was getting it on its feet. She watched a run through.

I watched Emma.

The copper taste left my mouth. My hands stopped shaking.

Me and Emma had a few conversations during the day. There was a lot of nodding and gentle squeezes of the hand. We stuck stablisers on each others Grifters. The downward slope didn’t look all that scary anymore.

It was also tough on the actors. Olivia Dean in particular who had a heartfelt monologue at the end which brought her to tears. It seemed like all I said was, “Are you okay?”

But this is the thing about 14/48. Are we okay? Probably not. We’re all big bags of emotion trying to ensure tomorrow is a little better than today. Sometimes things remind us of yesterday and it hurts us and scares us. But with 14/48 you suddenly find you’re at the bottom of the hill, you haven’t fallen off and things are okay.

And then, because this is who we are, we look for a steeper hill.

Dave Pitt
4th July 2021

Good Game

I’ve put a reading of a new short story called “Good Game” onto my Bandcamp page. There is some strong effing and jeffing so best to not listen while little uns are about. Other than that… enjoy.